StonerDudee Funny Status Messages

   When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking. And then I saw her face.

   When I was a child, my dad tried to force-feed me. After a while, my mom said, "Just use a spoon, Mike. You're not a Jedi."

   I think my "check engine" light has finally burned out. So that's good.

   There are teenagers having unprotected sex, but have cases on their cell phones. Just let that sink in for a moment...

   After mating, a female Praying Mantis kills & eats the male. Guess she knows it's easier to claim life insurance rather than child support.

   When my kids grow up, I'm going to their house to break their stuff, eat all their food, make a huge mess, say I'm bored & then just leave!

   My son asked me what's it like being married. I said "You know how you have to eat your vegetables to get dessert? Like that".

   Kindness has become so rare, that some people mistake it for flirting.

   I was watching a movie with my son last night when a sex scene came on. "Alright Mathew, it's about time you went to bed," I said. "But Dad, I'm 18," he protested. "I don't care," I said. "You're not watching me wank."

   Guys if you ever want to imagine what a woman's mind feels like imagine a browser with 2,859 tabs open. All. The. Time.

   Apparently every time I smoke a cigarette in the house my three-year-old son also smokes one. The crafty little kid.

   Go home North Korea, you're drunk!

   My porn star friend recently passed away. As a mark of respect, we had his ashes scattered over his wife's face.

   I saw some black kids spraypainting their names on a wall and decided to join in. I'd only done the first three letters of my name when they started beating the sh*t out of me. They obviously don't like people called Nigel.

   I've just seen an advert in my local newspaper. ACCOUNTANT NEEDED! $35,000 - $40,000 So I called them up and said, "The answer is -$5,000."

   I can't help being lazy. It walks in the family.

   I called my work this morning and said, "Sorry, I can't come in today, I have a wee cough." He said, "You have a wee cough?" I said, "Really? Cheers boss, see you next week!"

   So wait, if I post a letter without a stamp and just put the intended address as the return address, won't it be sent there anyway?

   Why did the chicken cross the road? To escape North Korea's long range missiles.

   How about we start being thankful everyday, and have a holiday once a year called Complainsgiving?