Flinnie Funny Status Messages

   Just saw a hot girl delivering pizza. NOT in porn--for an actual job. The American economy is worse than we realize

   Why does everyone love dolphins so much? They're mammals that can breathe under water and they're smarter than us. We should be worried.

   If you truly love someone you roll down the window to scoop out the fart you put in the car.

   If having Rainbow Bright stickers on my face is wrong, I don't want to be right

   Since I can't get my illiterate coworker use spell check, I set his email signature to say "Sent from my phone, pardon any typos"

   I ate so much candy corn yesterday, I just pooped a candle

   I woke up in the middle of the night & wrote 2 status ideas down on paper. I need help

   The only difference between a sink and urinal is an opinion

   Doing work on the bathroom, went to Lowe's and, long story short, still not mature enough to ask for caulk without laughing

   If anybody steals my identity, at least I'll know who to look for

   Instead of "lol" try "lsimhbiwfefmtalol". Laughing silently in my head because it wasn't funny enough for me to actually laugh out loud

   Hey kids you may think you are cool playing your music loud, but face the facts. You were probably conceived during a commercial during Melrose Place

   If my dad were alive today he would say, "Stop telling people I'm dead".

   The one thing you don't read about Helen Keller is how everybody blamed farts on her.

   Watching football shows me just how enthusiastic and pretty beer drinkers are. According to beer ads.

   I'm so glad dog hair is an accepted accessory in society.

   People who write "WASH ME" on dirty cars are the same people who think "Pull My Finger" is the most hilarious game ever

   The planet Saturn = 7 rings, Michael Jordan = 6 rings, Kobe Bryant = 5 rings, LeBron James.........Just a Headband.

   I think women are born with the right to warm their cold toes on men.

   Hey Amish person reading this: Busted!