Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   When people ask me dumb questions, my doctorate degree in sarcasm requires that I give them a sarcastic answer. What!? I took an oath!

   I don't get the whole "half baked idea" thing....I prefer to be fully baked when I come up with my ideas.

   I texted my girlfriend "I love you" and she texted back "I love you more. When I went to respond I made a typo and sent "I love you moist"....I figured why correct it, it's true too.

   Talk about a double standard, my 6 month old niece sneezes in someone's face and it's all "aww....how cute." I do it and suddenly it's all "what the hell is wrong with you."

   Just bought a 12 pack and this first beer is the best beer I've ever had, but I better drink these other 11 to make sure...

   This joke was sent from the iPhone 5 I'll be buying in a few months using Apple's new 'Time Travel' feature.

   I would've gotten away with it too if it wasn't for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.

   I dont care what women say, size matters in bed.The bigger the bed the more room you have to move around.

   Am I the only one who wonders if the term "dipsh*t" came from a fondue party gone horribly awry?

   You ladies lied to me. Showing more thigh and accentuating my cleavage got me a trip to the HR office not a raise.

   Alchohol: Because you have never heard a great story start with, "I once ate this salad..."

   If there's any indication of my laziness... just ask the dime in my wash machine, that used to be a quarter.

   I am thinking about going back to college to further my education. Just don't know if I am gonna fit into the stripper clothes I am gonna need to be able to pay for it.

   Gee! There's a string in there!!!..... and thus a new style of underwear was named....

   I won't laugh in the face of danger but I will stick my my tongue out at the back of it's head...

   Sometimes I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulder and I think to myself...holy crap some of you are fat, lose some weight or something.

   Just heard that "lesbian" is no longer acceptable terminology. They are to now be called "vagitarians" ... and now you know.

   It's almost that time of year again when I get to pretend I'm Dexter and all the pumpkins are evil.

   Hate on stoners all you want, but they are the reason we keep getting new flavors of Doritos.

   Homeless people's dogs must think, "Damn, this is the longest walk ever!"