Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   I dreamed I had sex with my ex last night. I swear she ruins everything.

   Be yourself, you already have the costume.

   I really think that Caller ID needs to be more detailed. It should say things like "Wants help moving" or "Will whine about bad relationship."

   The purpose of this status is to let you know that I have nothing to say, but that's not gonna stop me from saying it....

   Without women, life would be a pain in the ass. If you don't get this, you're too young to be on Facebook.

   The way to a girl's heart is presents. The way to a woman's heart is presence.

   The best thing about relationships is realizing the full level of batsh!t crazy you are capable of achieving.

   If you want your wife or girlfriend to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

   The best curve on a woman is her smile :) ...No I'm just kidding, it's her boobs.

   According to astronomy, whenever you wish upon a star, you're actually a few million years late. The star is dead. Just like your dreams.

   I don't hate anyone like I hate the person who waits for me outside the bathroom to finish.

   If you ALWAYS think the grass is greener on the other side, it might be because you need to take better care of your own sh!t.

   On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.

   To the guys saying they want a girl who will fix them a snack after sex: If she's capable of walking you haven't earned a damn sandwich!

   It's like my Fantasy Football players aren't listening to a single word of the speech I gave to my TV.

   My wife looks super hot without glasses. That's why I stopped wearing them.

   Air Freshener: Because there's no louder way of telling the whole house you've just taken a sh*t...

   I had to leave my new girlfriend. She was just going through too much stuff at the time. Mainly my phone and my wallet.

   Sometimes people suck the life out of me like there's a prize at the bottom.

   Hangovers ought to be called hangons because if it was over you'd feel much better for it.