Snotty Funny Status Messages

   When I lose a sock in the wash, I'll usually pour a little detergent out on the floor out of respect.

   My philosophy is if you haven't used something in over a year you should just throw it away, which is why my genitals are in the garbage

   Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.

   It's cute how Pepperidge Farms puts those paper cups between my cookies. lol,,, It doesn't even slow me down.

   My mom just wrote down a website in cursive. I feel like my whole world is falling apart.

   When I die, I want a closed casket and "Pop goes the weasel" on repeat so people will wait in stunned horror for me to pop out.

   Panini is Italian for $14 grilled cheese.... #googletranslate

   Oh, And BTW.... If you throw a porcupine at a dart board, you get all the points...

   My autocorrect changed gluten-free to glutton-free, because my Droid has the special fat shaming software update.

   If our children don't learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?

   Everyone knows it's "Private eyes", single clap, "They're watching you", double clap. Now,church choir, for the love of God, get your crap together.

   FRIEND: What is that smell?.. ME: My new Axe spray. Earl Grey Tea, and Yorkshire Pudding.... Friend: *gag* why?... ME: Chicks dig English Axe scents.

   [enter new password] *CVSReceipt* [password too long]

   Tell me how many bottles you have on your bathroom sink and I'll tell you how many women you live with. 20 bottles? Buddy, that's one woman.

   Someone's overfeeding that damn cat. I mean.. there's something like Stonehenge in her litter box.

   I'm almost positive that Mona Lisa is smiling because she just passed gas and got away with it.

   Well tonight's date night for me and the wife I certainly hope we don't run into each other

   FYI,,, I never really know when to stop peeling cabbage.

   This is a shout out, to those of you on the toilet right now reading this... Have a good dump. Seriously.

   What kind of jerk makes an anti-anxiety pill difficult to break in half?