Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   If someone hates you for no reason, give that idiot a reason.

   In case you guys are wondering how screwed up my brain is... I saw a little girl at the store throwing her teddy bear up in the air saying, "he likes to get high" and all I could think was "don't we all sweetie."

   Am I the only one who thinks of those padded toilet seats when someone says, "more cushion for the pushin?"

   Hey people that are jog, if you really wanna sell me on this jogging thing, you are gonna have to stop making those faces that make it look like it sucks.

   Siri is like an Ex. She was great once but now I'm repeating myself and she never listens to me, and by the end of the conversation I'm yelling.

   I consider myself to be a "political atheist" because I don't believe anything politicians say.

   A movie ticket for a baby should cost at least $50.

   Those people who try to tear you down are just pissed that they can't reach you where you are standing.

   Get your mind out of the gutter - it's blocking my view.

   Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it is time to get up.

   MTV has announced the cancellation of the show "Jersey Shore." Please join me in a moment of silence. OK, that was too long.

   Quick question, ladies: If you shave your eyebrows off and then draw them back on, then what are you actually doing?

   They say you should keep your friends close, but your enemies even closer. So I'm getting married next week.

   Even though the little kid was having a tantrum, his mom was unphased. "You might as well give up on the crying," I heard her say as she led him to the store exit. "You're stuck with me for 18 years."

   I'm not an alcoholic I just have a lot of things to celebrate.

   Friend: "What should be engraved on the inside of my husband-to-be's wedding ring? I want something that has meaning and will remind him of me." Me:"PUT IT BACK ON!"

   Empty your medicine cabinet and put another mirror in there. Scares the hell out of snooping house guests.

   Conspiracy theorists are paid for by the government to distract people from actual government conspiracies.

   My EX sent me a text today saying "Happy Anniversary" I replied, best one yet.

   People tweeting............ "Damn it's September already?" What TF you thought came after August?! August Jr?