snotty Funny Status Messages

   My entire working knowledge of automotive repair is derived from the song "The Wheels on the Bus"

   Bought a water at the airport and now one of my kids can't go to college.

   Well this isn't good,,, I took a nude selfie... And my phone autocorrect replaced it with an image of a silverback mountain gorilla pulling a peanut from its scrotum.

   [At the park].... STRANGER: Your dog is unusual looking... ME: Yeah, he's interbred... DUCK: [waddles up] I'll tell you who else is into bread?

   DOCTOR: Your leg is broken... ME: So what happens now?.. Doc: We put in a cast & it'll recover naturally... HORSE: [sticks head round curtain]... WHAT?!!

   At my age,,, I'm not sure I'm up for learning a new microwave.

   I use the men's restroom even though I'm a woman because I identify with waiting on a shorter line.

   * Me with the Dr. they assigned me in my new HMO... Doctor: Ted, you're dying...... ME: My name's not Ted.... Doctor (checking clipboard): Linda, you're pregnant.

   For every slice of cheese I cut for my sandwich, I eat a slice.... I feel like this is what God wants me to do.

   Yelp review: got murdered; would not recommend 🌟⭐⭐⭐⭐

   I'm at my most "Indiana Jones" when I grab a tupperware out of the cabinet & slam the door real fast so the rest don't fly out everywhere.

   I just swiped left on someone based solely on the fact her name was Susan.

   Could you please put your crying baby on vibrate...?

   My stuff here is impeccable.. That means it can't be harmed by chickens,, right?

   Went by the house where I grew up. I went up to the door, and asked to go in to look around, but they said No, and shut the door in my face... Mom and Dad can be so rude.

   *tries getting in touch with my feelings*...... *goes straight to voicemail*

   "DADDY NO!!! THE FLOOR IS LAVA!" ... *maintains eye contact.. *slides off couch onto floor.. *rolls around

   Hey dude, Did you know your refrigerator running?... Yeah,, Because I don't like any of the current presidential candidates

   You know when you meet someone and you just know their phone screen is cracked without even seeing it?

   I put my phone in Airplane mode and now Leslie Nielsen won't leave until I promise to stop calling him Shirley