Marshall the great Funny Status Messages
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My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
You really inspire me to be a bitter person.
Sometimes its just better to buy new Tupperware than to risk opening the leftovers.
I hate when I'm set on running a yellow light and the person in front of me chickens out.
Hating people takes too much energy. I just pretend they're dead.
Accidentally took a women's multi vitamin and I've been trying to get dressed for the past 3 hours, but everything is making me look fat.
My neighbors are slamming doors and screaming at each other, keeping me awake. I retaliated by playing Nickelback super loud, We all lose tonight.
Ladies: Don't ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to talk about sports, food, or sex. Not in that particular order either.
Ladies: Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing sitting down. Maybe YOU can learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up. You need it down. You don't hear us complaining when you leave it dow
Did you hear about the guy who robbed the store with a pair of scissors? Well long story short, apparently bullet also beats scissors.
In yoga it's called the "downward dog" ... In the bedroom it's called "only because it's your birthday."
I think I sprayed too much Febreze on my dog... but my couch and living room carpet smells so dog gone good!
When I visit a friend who greets me with "make yourself at home," I kick him out of the house because I hate visitors!
There's few things more satisfying than putting eletrical tape over the sensors of automatic doors and watching people walk right into them.....muhahahahaha
There's a difference between leaving her unsatisfied and hungry for more.
And on the day that Pooh found out bacon tasted better than honey, we all knew Piglet's days were numbered.
Are you gonna eat that... or just take pictures?
Pot is not a gateway drug that leads to harder drugs. It's more of a drive thru drug that leads to burgers and fried chicken.
My new girlfriend has a multiple personality disorder. I think it's great!. It's like being with a different girl every time we have sex. Except for the one time... she turned into Dave the construction worker.
If you see a woman drinking Coors immediately ask her on a date cause she'll swallow anything.
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