Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   Full-Moon out tonight which means all the crazy folks are coming out of the woodwork... and for some reason they've chosen me as their leader...

   Whenever I ask my wife if she has a minute, she thinks it's because I'm horny.

   When I came home today I brought in a box of tampons and a package of Tylenol... She told me she's not on her period and she doesn't have a headache. Yup, she was tricked into sex again.

   I am tired of all the jokes making fun of the women gymnast because they have no boobs! They can bend over backwards and do splits, So........... CHECK MATE!

   "The glass is half full" ~ optimist "The glass is half empty" ~ pessimist "That looks delicious" ~ alcoholic

   Was thinking about giving a f*ck today but... f*cks just don't grow on trees, you know!

   Considering my balance, my credit card has the best theft detection ever. It just says declined no matter what you try to buy.

   I'm sorry but after the 4th sneeze you are more likely to get a throat punch than a "bless you" from me... control that will ya

   My doctor prescribed marijuana for my constipation but said if it didn't work after a week to discontinue using it. Basically he told me to poop or get off the pot.

   I think each Olympic event should include a competitor randomly picked out of the spectator stands to keep things interesting.

   The three reasons for liking a status: 1) I agree with you. 2) I realize this is about me, of course I'm gonna like it. 3) I like you.

   It's not a real relationship until you secretly start to hate each other.

   If you had to die, this would be the best way... Clint Eastwood shooting you while Morgan Freeman narrates it.

   I hate you but I'm not in hate with you.

   I hope the Olympics teaches kids and parents that in real life you do not get a trophy just for participating.

   "I wish there was a more convenient way to stalk others." - The phrase that started Facebook

   Me watching olympics: oh wow, that was impressive! Announcer: ANOTHER DISASTROUS MISTAKE!

   Knowing your family so well that you can tell who's coming down the stairs and walking through the house just by the sound of their footsteps.

   I want to be rich enough to realize that I can't buy happiness.

   Toddlers have an uncanny ability to hear & repeat every cuss word you utter but ignore every suggestion on avoiding injury & imminent death.