Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   I wrote a status about unemployment earlier, but didn't post it. It needs some work.

   I just found human hairs in my McDonald's burger. When did they start using natural ingredients?

   If I'm ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Kool Aid guy.

   Got my new Ghetto Book: 50 Shades of Cray Cray. It's just a picture book with women b!tching.

   When I was little, I remember falling asleep on the sofa and waking up in bed. Now that I'm older, I find myself passing out on the sofa and waking up on the floor.

   Whenever someone says to me "You look so familiar, where do I know you from?" I say, "Do you watch porn?"

   Trying to figure out why Japan seems to be doing so well at the swimming in the Olympics... and then like a giant wave crashing down it hit me.

   Husband: Let's try a different position tonight. Wife: That's a good idea. You stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.

   I've been having real problems with nuisance phone calls lately. The most common one seems to be "You said you'd be home from the bar three f*cking hours ago!"

   A woman has sued a hospital, stating that, after recent treatment, her husband had lost interest in sex. The doctors replied: "All we did was correct his eyesight."

   If the Olympics has taught me anything it's that China may have a population of over 1 billion... but they only have two hair styles.

   My girlfriend was looking through my DVD collection. "What's 'Fight Club'? I've never heard of it," she said. It's good to see the system's working.

   You health nuts are gonna feel real stupid when you're laying in the hospital dying of nothing.

   I almost forgot to update my status that I'd been to the gym. What a waste of a workout that would have been!

   The Care Bears taught me so much growing up... no not the emotional crap. They taught me it was OK to stare.

   My boss pulled up in his brand new BMW today and I couldn't help but admire it. As he got out. I said, "Nice Car." "Well," he said, noticing my admiring looks, "Work hard, put the hours in, and I'll have an even better one next year."

   I tried to log on to my computer this morning but it wouldn't let me in. I shouted to my wife, "Babe, have you changed the password on the PC?" "Yes honey." "What is it?" "It's the date of our anniversary." Bltch.

   Women are always saying how men judge a girl based on looks. That's actually true. Since all women are crazy, you might as well go for the fit ones.

   If you didn't hump Christina Ricci... then you're doing Wednesday wrong.

   I met a girl at the bar and she said she wanted to suck on my foot. Had to tell her its not quite that big.