Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   Reverse Psychology: If I were you, I wouldn't even bother trying, because you'll probably f*ck it up.

   Simple cure for childhood obesity: Ice Cream Trucks that don't Stop.

   Cat picture. Car picture. Stupid update. Cat picture. Food picture. Cat picture. Emotional rant. Cat picture. Emotional rant about a cat. Cat picture. Stupid update. Cat picture. Cat picture. WHAT HAVE WE BECOME?!

   I have so much sand in my ass from the beach I have already made four little fartcastles on the floor.

   I am scared... Someday I might just catch flames automatically... Being so hot an all... ;)

   If you think my lunchbox looks a lot like a 12 pack, you're right... except there's only 4 left now! :)

   Good afternoon fellow friends. Today we're going to talk about Creativity. You see, creativity is... umm hold on a sec. Google is still loading...

   My girlfriend accused me of faking it in bed last night, and she was right. I wasn't asleep at all.

   I hate how my child always moan about how much I drink. I'm tired of having to remind him that if it weren't for the alcohol, he wouldn't even exist.

   If you don't have a job you can be homeless but if you do have a job you will be home less. Society, you just can't win.

   My blonde girlfriend has such a useless sense of direction, I'm amazed she made it out of the birth canal.

   If I haven't insulted you, pissed you off, or raised feelings of irritation yet... just give me a bit more time.

   A few years ago while I was on vacation, on stage at the strip club was the ugliest dancer I've ever seen. She danced up to me and said "Hey Handsome, what would you like me to take off first?" I said "My glasses."

   Flirting is dangerous business. One wrong move and you're committed.

   Don't ever save anything for a special occasion. Being alive is the special occasion.

   My mother always told me if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all... And some people wonder why I'm so quiet around them.

   Rise and shine to all the beautiful women of the world. Ugly women, don't get greedy, go back to sleep, your time is coming, at night. -_-

   I never knew that Abraham Lincoln was such a badass, killing vampires and freeing slaves, I think he is my new favorite president, step aside Grover Cleveland.

   My girlfriend spends every night in town, going into bar to bar. And she always f*cking finds me.

   Yes it may sound childish but if it glows in the dark I still get freaking exited.