Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   I'm not an alcoholic. I can stop drinking any time I've got no money.

   My boss texted me, "Send me one of your funny jokes." I replied, "I'm working at the moment, I will send you one later." He replied, "That was fantastic, send me another one."

   I like to lay down after sex, stroking her hair and whispering into her ear. "Why are you still here?"

   The new film Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter looks quite good. I think I'll wait for the sequel, Bill Clinton: Lady Killer.

   The best way to spread the most news in the least time is to disguise it as a secret.

   My girlfriend told me to grow a pear... What the hell does fruit have to do with killing this spider?

   After witnessing a strip search at the police station I now understand why it's called a crack rock.

   When I'm in a public bathroom stall and someone knocks on the door, I like to whisper, "lemme see the drugs first." You'd be surprised how quiet it gets.

   I gave blood for the local blood drive today. Someone's blood alcohol level is going UP!

   If you see me out somewhere and act like you didn't, you should know that I ignored you first.

   I think it's really strange how some people talk to their animals, give them personalities and make up voices for them. My dog, Steve, agrees with me.

   To the Kindergarten teacher that I kicked in the shin because I didn't want to take a nap, I am sorry. I was really b!tchy when I dropped my son off.

   F.Y.I. a slice of bread does not substitute as toilet paper.

   Whenever my parents talk about 'the good old days' they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is pretty cool, because that's also the year I was born... wait... what?

   I proposed my girl today. Apparently "Do you want to be the one who makes sandwiches for me for the rest of my life" isn't the way to do it.

   Why do shampoo bottles have to say 'Lather, Rinse, Repeat' on them? My blonde girlfriend has been in the shower for 2 weeks now.

   I'm not afraid of stupid people. I'm afraid of intelligent people with stupid ideas.

   Just sold a lawn mower on eBay. That will be the last time my neighbor wakes me up on a Saturday morning.

   You know you're desperate for an answer when you look on the second page of Google.

   There are two varieties of hoe. One is a gardening tool. The other is a hardening tool.