hihuggiehi Funny Status Messages

   People hate pigeons because "they are dirty and spread diseases" but the Kardashians and the cast of Jersey Shore do it and pigeons don't hate them....just sayin

   I hope I never die in a bar cause if someone calls a priest, a rabbi or a minister my life is gonna end up as one big joke.

   I'm old enough to remember when a car on the back of a tow truck meant transmission problem rather than repossession problem.

   I need more pets because I'm running out of passwords.

   Had a man with a Prius ask me for a jump start in the grocery store parking lot today. I threw a triple a battery at him. Good luck douche bag.

   It's very important that EVERYONE gets a flu shot this year so I don't have to.

   I found Samuel L. Jackson's swear jar and I don't think he's being completely honest with himself.

   I went for a run but came back home after 2 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I'm fat and can't run for more than 2 minutes.

   I've decided I'm not going to have kids. I love babies, but I'm just not ready for the commitment of uploading that many photos to Facebook.

   Whenever I start feeling spontaneous, my bank account quietly reminds me to calm the heck down.

   I know there's no such thing as evolution because if there was my Facebook page would've grown a "punch" button by now.

   I use my birthday as an excuse to do whatever the hell I want. So basically it's just like every other day, except with presents.

   WARNING: "There's no wrong way to eat a Reese's" is apparently not a valid defense for Indecent Exposure.

   Some lady just told me that she was terrible at math and that she flunked "algeber". I'm sure she excelled in English class though.

   Kids these days are spoiled. Ipads, smart phones, video games, etc. But they'll never know the joy of putting an Ozzy Osborne cassette tape in a Teddy Ruxpin

   I had to take back my OJ Simpson Halloween costume because the glove didn't fit.

   When I leave a store without buying anything all I can think is “act natural, you're innocent”.

   Only dead fish swim with the stream.

   Life has no remote. Get up and change it yourself

   When you were a kid there was nothing more satisfying as when you made the honking signal to the truck driver and he honked back