doc noland Funny Status Messages

   Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.

   Nothing like falling in love with a sociopath to make you question your judgement.

   Whatever's wrong with me, it's a pleasure.

   My stick figure family is just a burrito, a television, and a bottle of whiskey. Do they make those stickers?

   I don't want a sky full of lighters! I just want the one that fell under my driver's seat!

   I can't participate in tickle fights because I get inappropriate b0ners

   National Sarcasm Society - Like we need your support...

   Here's two people with scoliosis attempting to have sex - ??

   I can tell I'm getting older because I need flaxseed, coffee, fiber supplements, a laptop, an iPod and a smartphone in order to take a poop.

   If men never decided to overlook the emotional craziness of women, humans would become extinct.

   I just invented "5-hour Energy Popsicle" and now my nose won't stop bleeding and I'm seeing ghosts.

   I've decided the best way to proceed in life from here on out is by walking around rubbing my n!pples and talking in the Fat B@st@rd voice.

   Probably won't see War Horse. I'd definitely think about seeing a movie titled Skirmish Pony.

   Perhaps right after spending five minutes trying to rub the comma off my keyboard is the time to decide to stop eating over my laptop.

   I don't think we can be friends if you're not mentally & physically prepared to play my gen!tals like a naughty game of "Bop it".

   Alcohol-The best night time:slurring,headache,dehydration,drink spilling, charm killing,so you think you can dance"medicine."

   I wish I could dance like a black guy. Or have epilepsy. Either way.

   The most inappropriate time to tell someone they have the "Moves Like Jagger" is during a seizure.

   Fifty bucks says I make way more unnecessary noises than you.

   The way to a man's heart is about eight inches inside of anything.