StonerDudee Funny Status Messages

   I'm not saying my wife's a fat b*tch, but I've had to put all the chocolate biscuits well out of reach. On the floor.

   My wife stormed into the pub last night as me and the boys were downing shots of Tequila. "You're coming home now!" she screamed. "No I'm not." I laughed. She said, "I'm talking to the kids."

   I wish there was a way to track down who got you sick so you can punch them in the face.

   Of all the utensils that were invented to eat rice with... How the f**k did two sticks win?

   Some guy knocked on my door today and said, "I have a parcel for your next door neighbour." I said, "You've got the wrong house then man."

   Roses are red, your body is fine, I know we just met, but your place or mine?

   First Tiger Woods, then Lance Armstrong, and now Oscar Pistorius. I think Nike should start telling their athletes "Don't Do It"

   I walked out of a club with a girl last night. She slipped her hand inside my jeans, squeezed my c*ck and said, "Yours or mine?" I said, "That's mine."

   "Can you tie a knot?" "I cannot." "So you can knot?" "No, I cannot knot." "Not knot?" "Who's there?"

   My dad never loved me as a child. I can't blame him really. I wasn't born until he was an adult.

   I'm not allowed to text and drive, but this officer can run my plates and talk on the phone simultaneously. I should brake-check him.

   I think the greeter at Walmart should apologize to you when you walk in the door.

   lways be yourself, unless you're that guy. Don't be that guy.

   If beer pong has taught me anything... it's that there's no cool way to chase a ping pong ball.

   Pizza delivery cars should be allowed to use sirens.

   LeBron as good as Jordan?! Ha! Call me when LeBron saves the Looney Tunes from an alien race.

   At a job interview. "What would you say was your greatest weakness?" "Honesty." "I don't think honesty is a weakness." "I don't give a crap what you think."

   Does this 50 pound bag of cat food make me look single?

   The only reason they make yellow starbursts is for when someone asks you if they can have one of your starbursts.

   Just pulled on a nose hair super hard & one of my pubes disappeared.