JAKE Funny Status Messages

   Bought a stick deodarant. Instruction say "remove cap and push up bottom"....... I have trouble walking, but when I fart, the room does smells nice.

   You know a restaurant must be serving bad food when you see a mouse throwing up in the restroom.

   Gave my boss a mother's day card. Because "he" is one of the top ten mothers on my list.

   My wife and I broke because of my gambling...... I hit the lottery and left her.

   God gave us shins so we could find things in the dark.

   Confuciushe says: Man who fight with wife all day, gets no piece at night.

   Finally found my wife's G spot....... Her sister had it all along.

   A woman arrested for prostitution. Judge: How do you plead? Woman: Not guilty. I'm a sales woman. Judge: What do you sell ? Woman: Condoms with a free demontration.

   I find it annoying when old people poke me at wedding and say "you'll be next." So I started to do the same thing to them at funerals.

   Fitness nuts have to do an entire marathon to feel a runner's high..... I just have to bend over and tie my shoes.

   If woman are so good at multitasking. Then why can't they sit down and shut up?

   What is a person who goes off their diet called? A deserter

   Cruelty is people with back pain having to bend over at the pharmacy to get a tube of Bengay from the bottom shelf.

   Starcents, it's like Starbucks only cheaper.

   . When Chewbacca needs to go does he use a toilet, or dose Han Solo take him for a walk?

   What type of car does an electrician drive........ A Volts-wagon.

   It's been 10 years since I was in school. But every day the school bully still takes my lunch money........ He works at Mc. Donalds.

   Where do babies like to go for lunch....... Hooters

   I spent alot of time trying to get all of my eldest relatives together in one room with no luck............. Then BINGO

   Dentist: I'm going to give you some helium gas. Me: Will that stop me from feeling any pain? Dentist: No...... But when you screem, it will be hilarious.