GaryKoenig Funny Status Messages

   I love it when people get mad and speed past me, only to end up at the same red light.

   My wife told me that women are better at multitasking than men. So I told her to sit down and be quiet. Well, guess what? She couldn't do either.

   I pay attention to who reacts on my posts, because as soon as I get rich I'm buying you all tacos.

   My boss asked me to start off the meeting with a joke. So I passed around my pay stub.

   I showed my Facebook page to my psychiatrist and she wants to talk to all of you.

   Remember: When something goes wrong in the circus, they send in the clowns to distract the audience. Well, something has gone very wrong with this circus, and the clowns are everywhere.

   The reason why hurricanes are normally named after women is because when they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car.

   Legend says, when you can't sleep at night, it's because you're awake in someone else's dream. So if everyone could stop dreaming about me that'd be great.

   Some people need to forget about the fountain of youth and start looking for the fountain of common sense!

   I don't know whose manager needs to hear this but pizza is not a bonus.

   Did you know that Kamala Harris was in the movie The Wizard of Oz? She was the wicked witch of the west, and she didn't even have to act.

   Don't judge me by my Facebook posts. I'm much worse in real life because there's no community standards.

   Why is it, even after I press one for English, I still can't understand the person who comes on the line?

   Dear scammers, please stop flirting with all the people on their Facebook pages. We are all beautiful and charming and we do not want to be your friend. You are annoying!

   Marriage tip: Always keep your wife as the background picture on your phone. That way if you need some encouragement, you can look at her photo and say, "Man, if I can put up being married to her, I can get through anything.

   I've just been for a job interview and the boss said, "Starting pay is $11.59 but after 6 months it goes up to $18.41. When do you want to start?" I said, "In 6 months!"

   I'm going to quit my job and travel the world until I run out of money. I should be back home later tonight.

   Guys, when a woman is angry, just tell her she is overreacting. She'll realize you're right and then she'll calm right down.

   What do I do all day long? Sometimes, it takes me all day to get nothing done.

   Nothing brings neighbors together quite like cop cars in front of another neighbor's house.