Flinnie Funny Status Messages

   I was gonna give change to a homeless guy today, but his sign said ONE DAY IT COULD BE YOU. So, I held onto it just in case he was right

   I play this fun game with ladies called "just the tip," where I refuse to pay for anything other than the gratuity at dinner.

   Because of tanning beds, 1000 years from now archeologists will think we used to fry people as punishment

   I guess more people saw the movie Casino than I thought. I always get strange looks when I recommend moving meetings to cornfields.

   If I ever get arrested, my one phone call will be to the police station to do a bomb scare. I'm not spending the night there

   My predictive text dictionary doesn't have "tsunami", so if you ever get a text from me that says "trumang" start running

   I saw a sign that said "Deaf Children Drive Carefully". I didn't know they drove at all.

   One day nursing homes will be full of ex-Juggalos trying to remember what their tattoos mean.

   Weird to think some people will have the word "cantaloupe" in their obituary.

   Tomorrow is of course the start of what most rock stations call Rocktober.

   Did you know slugs have four noses? I'm totally going to dutch-oven one tonight.

   I wonder how much trial and error it took before the guy that invented "pull my finger" got it down to a science and stopped pooping his pants.

   Yelling "WHAT ARE YOU DOING? PULL UP YOUR PANTS!", just as your boss ends a teleconference is a fun prank but you can only do it once per job

   The courthouse is a really great place to see people with neck tattoos wearing ties.

   Some nights getting a 3-year-old to sleep feels a lot like trying to kill a Terminator

   I look forward to having grandkids, so I can share my wisdom. Mostly wisdom about Angry Birds, Angry Birds Rio and Angry Birds Seasons.

   I've just woken up, and it appears that Earth is temporarily safe from harm & currently doesn't need my assistance, so I'm going back to bed

   I just told my kids that our dog died, when in reality he went off to live happily on a farm somewhere

   Her profile said she was a stone cold freak. Turns out she was just a wrestling fan with bad capitalization skills

   "I hate cats." - Curiosity