Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   Had to have the 'Drugs' talk with the teenage son the other night... had to warn him how easily he could get ripped off...

   When I die I don't want to be in a casket at the Funeral Home... I want them to prop me up sitting in the front row... just to mess with people as they walk in.

   If you want to know whether a chick is a cvnt or not, just call her a c*nt. Nothing sets off a crazy cvnt like being called a cvnt.

   I feel bad making fun of all these idiots I work with. I still do it, but at least I feel bad.

   Facebook is giving 'poke suggestions' now? Instead of telling me who to poke they should warn me about who NOT to poke.

   Some say imaginary friends are for crazy people. Please tell me about Facebook again.

   If she says "So I was thinking" ...be prepared to do some sh!t you don't want to do.

   My ex called me today. I told her she was on my mind a lot today. She thought it was sweet, really though it's trash day here.

   Just posted a hundred Father's Day cards, signed 'Your Secret Lovechild' to all the men in my neighborhood. Now all I have to do is hire a bus and pay a visit to the local orphanage to set Stage 2 of my plan into motion...

   There is a special ceremony for marriage so I think there should be a special ceremony for divorce too. One could say, "With this fling, I thee unwed." And then the congregation can throw all the husband's stuff at him as he walks out of the church.

   Mud, Dirt, Poop, Grease and crude oil baby! Okay, I'm done talking dirty... let's have sex....

   I ruined somebodys life today... They stole my identity.

   "Does my ass look big in this?" asked my wife as she twirled in front of the mirror...........Who knows where she got the sumo suit from.

   My whole world just disappeared. :( Is anyone else's notification icon missing???

   First time I ever saw a dry-erase board I said "that's remarkable."

   I disagree. Revenge is a dish best served so hot that it will burn your gizzards out.

   If you ask me, NASCAR would be much more entertaining if the drivers had had as much to drink as the fans.

   Some people are as useless as the second window at McDonald's.

   Nothing says "Love" like having a ShamWow tossed at your genitals after having sex.

   KIDS trust me when I say this: you are NOT missing out on anything if you were to take a nap.