Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   Sorry I offended you when I called you a slut. I had no idea you thought it was a secret.

   I sent my girl to the mall with my credit card so I can relax and watch TV. I have a feeling I will pay for it later.

   I'm sorry that I blocked you while I was drunk last night........ but I couldn't figure out how to do it while I was sober. I hope you understand.

   I love being the first one up in the morning, it gives me time to take all the toilet paper out of the bathrooms for ransom....

   People don't seem to realize that doing what's right is no guarantee against misfortune.

   Beware of the half truth. You may have gotten hold of the wrong half.

   I finally got it all together... but I forgot where I put it.

   People who walk on I-95 are so friendly. I've gone past 3 in the last hour and they all gave me the thumbs up.

   Being free is no guarantee of happiness, but if you're unhappy, at least it will be on your own terms rather than someone else's.

   Never hate your enemies. It affects your judgment.

   If this day had a face, it would be that of an evil clown laughing maniacally at me.

   Of course I'm not going to delete you... but you did manage to post yourself into my f*ck off and ignore list!

   I have a feeling if I was superhero, my name would be Sarcasmo.

   Don't you hate it when you brush your tongue then gag from going too far back!!? If no or n/a, please contact me, ASAP. Chics only, please. K thanks.

   I see you have a tribal tattoo, I didn't know Douchebag was a tribe.

   I need to quit time-traveling whilst drunk! I can't remember what I did tomorrow.

   Honey, do you remember those days when we first met and you'd wake up and leave for a few days? Those were some GOOD times huh.....right.......hello? What did I say now?

   Whoever said Diamond are a girls best friend........Obviously never bought one a detachable showerhead.

   Before making your three wishes, make sure your genie has a good command of English. Unrelated: would anyone like to purchase a massive rooster, a bunch of wet, Brazilian cats and a large section of donkey?

   Timex and Tampax should get together and invent something to let guys know its her time of the month.