Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   The American dream is no longer owning your own home. Its moving out of moms.

   When I was little I didn't care about things like what to wear, my parents dressed me. Looking back at some of my old pictures, it's obvious that my parents didn't care either.

   If you're looking to work 2 hours a day, 3 days a week for about $1000 a week please contact me!!! We can look for it together.

   I am inventing a paint that is the same color and texture as bug guts because I don't like to wash my truck...

   My buddy just told me that I jump every time my girlfriend says jump. That's just stupid, I'm white and everyone knows white men can't jump.

   I wish the first rule of Christianity was exactly the same as the first rule of Fight Club.

   I have give myself a pat on the back. I've been workin' with Ms. Know-it-all for almost two years... and she is still breathin'. :)

   I reviewed the statistics, crunched some numbers and calculated the risk and discovered that the chances of me get ran over while sitting on my couch are far less than they are when I am jogging. I must be lazy for my wellbeing.......

   I'm back in the HR office today, apparently "Kill myself" was not an appropriate response when by boss asked me, "What would you do if you were me?"

   I'm not exactly sure what my doctor gave me, but I've decided I like being sick. The walls keep waving at me and saying very complimentary things. It's kinda awesome and I never want to get better.

   My girlfriend might not be the sharpest girl around. I accidentally left my phone at her house last night. I went back over to get it and saw she had texted me 5 times telling me I forgot it.

   Every woman needs find someone who will ruin her lipstick instead of her mascara.

   Hey dumb ass. Not every thing I post pertains to you. Just the stuff that starts with, Hey dumb ass.

   Anything you say in a small town can and will be used against you.

   Note to self: Don't taunt the neighbor's bull dog while wearing flip flops.

   Does anyone know of a way to "block" themselves? I'm tired of reading the sh*t that I post.

   If my answers frighten you then you should cease asking scary questions.

   Facebook allows me to see what my life would look like if I had married my girlfriend that I had in my 20s. - Dodged a bullet there.

   I'm not sure where I went wrong officer. I was only taught "left and right". Is there a blinker thing on here for wrong turns?

   I hope Karma punches you in the face before I do.