Funny Status Messages

   I was only looking at your nametag, honest!

   Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy

   I'd like to give you a going-away present. .but you have to do your part

   How did a fool and his money ever get together in the first place?

   Had trouble goin' home because I parked in a tow-away zone and when I came back the whole entire area was gone.

   In my bedroom instead of a night light, I have a search night light. It goes back & forth across the room. If I have to get up & go to the bathroom in the middle of the night I have to time it just right so I don't get caught.

   Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.

   Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast

   I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met

   When I was a baby I kept a diary. Recently I was reading, it said: Day 1: Still tired from the move. Day 2: Everybody talks to me like I am some kind of idiot.

   Whose idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have an 's' in it?

   Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

   Any closet is a walk-in closet if you try hard enough.

   I used to be a lifeguard, but some blue kid got me fired.

   For a while I didn't have a car, so I drove a helicopter. I didn't have anywhere to park it so I tied a rope to it, and left it running.

   When I get real, real bored I like to go downtown and get a good parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

   God did not create the world in 7 days; he messed around for 6 days and then pulled an all-nighter.

   Lord, if I can't be skinny, please let all my friends be fat.

   The awkward moment when you try to end a conversation with "your mum" and they reply "that's what she said"...

   Those 50 workers that stayed and are trying to stop full nuclear meltdown at the reactor in Japan are super heroes or the last of the Kamikaze's as far as I'm concerned...God Speed!!