Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   I found out two things last night. 1. Sometimes bowel movements float. 2. My neighbors have a new hot tub

   I guess firefighters really get pissed when you call and say your house is on fire and when they show up, you just want your pool filled for the season...

   People who are offended by offensive things offend me.

   If you catch me in the morning in a yoga position... more than likely I passed out drunk that way.

   They say every birth is a miracle of God but after watching these people at Walmart they would probably become atheist.

   I really think that Rihanna's last name is Featuring.

   My girlfriend told me that I need to treat her like she is something precious... So I threw her into a Volcano.

   I was born in the 70's.......which means the Doctor probably needed to use a weed whacker to get me out!

   I had to complain to my neighbor again about her sunbathing while I am NOT at home

   Women must love you because you are the biggest d!ck I have ever seen

   I hate when women look at me as a sex object.. Girl, objects don't move the way I do... ;)

   Why isn't there a reality show called "Security Cams of Walmart?"

   Lying in bed last night unable to sleep and my girlfriend asked me how many sexual partners I've had. Counting them certainly put me to sleep.

   Dear credit card company, Your endless calls are a waste of both your time and mine. If you were dumb enough to approve me for a credit card at the height of my alcoholism... be smart now and realize my sober ass isn't payin' you sh!t.

   So this girl at a coffee bar came up to me and said I was kinda cute. Kinda? Well, thanks, you sort of fat b!tch.

   If you're offended by a woman's foul mouth... then you've probably never made one cumm! :)

   F*CK You ↑ You ↖ You ↗ You ↙ You → You ↓ You ↩ You ↪ You ↬ You ↫ You ↪ You ↩ You ↲ You ↯ You ↱ You ↰ You ↷ You ↳ You ↶ You ↴ You ↵ And You ↺

   Sometimes I look at what someone is wearing and I can't help but think, "Damn GIRL, did you give up on life?"

   Every time I walk into a singles bar, I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up!! You don't know where it's been!!!"

   People only bring up your past when they are intimidated by your present!