jake Funny Status Messages

   Remember when teenage girls kept a diary and got pissed off if anyone read it? Now days they put everything on facebook and get pissed off when they don't.

   The French eat snails because they don't like fast food.

   Are you bored and broke? Do you have 40 spare hours to fill every week ? Would you like to earn thousands of dollars a month? Then get a job like the rest of us you bumb.

   Egghead: What mrs. Dumpty gives to Humpty

   I just got 40 winks on the suaway........ I knew I shouldn't of worn this pink T-shirt.

   My wife is so fat that she keeps walking into things....... Like Mc. Donald's Dunkin Donuts Dairy Queen etc etc etc

   I hear they're making a remake of the Never Ending Story. It starts with a man asking a woman how her day was.

   My wife's coffee is so strong it puts hair on your chest........ And takes it off if you spill it.

   What do you call a nun with a sex change operation....... A tran-sister

   What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice to long?....... Polaroids

   The best thing about my wife's bj..... The five minutes of silence

   People laugh at the inventor of nitrous oxide.

   The difference between carbon monoxie and my wife is..... Carbon monoxie is a silent killer.

   It's amazing how a single terd can shut down a water park.

   What happens in the shower stays in the shower....... Bet your loofah has some interesting stories it can tell

   I've been taking viagara for my sunburn........ It doesn't cure it...... but it does keep the sheets off my legs at night.

   My friend ask me why I was still single. I said I'm single by choice..... Unfortunately it's not by my choce

   There was a homeless man I was going to give a dollar to untill I read the sign he was holding that read "One day this could be you." So I put the dollar back in my pocket in case he may be right.

   Every time the doorbell rings my dog will go and sit in a corner........ He' a boxer.

   When I see "you are here" on a map makes me wonder how did they know I was going to be there.