hihuggiehi Funny Status Messages

   If Apple made a car, would it have windows?

   I desperately need a "hide political posts" button on Facebook so I can still like all my friends after the election year is over.

   Yes, my attitude could stand some improvement but my insurance does not cover those meds.

   If you're on the treadmill next to me, the answer is “Yes. We are racing.”

   There needs to be an app that deletes my memberships right before my free trials run out.

   This morning I was standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I'm going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”

   I told my girlfriend I wanted to take her to the fair because it would be romantic...that is better than admitting I just want cotton candy for dinner.

   I wish I could just “like” a text so I didn't have to respond.

   When I'm ignoring a phone call, the phone seems to ring far longer than usual.

   If you're in line, and the person in front of you doesn't notice the line moving, how soon can you shove them before it's considered rude?

   Drank like 3 Four Lokos and some hand sanitizer last night, blacked out and apparently officiated a Monday Night Football game.

   I'm going to retire and live off my savings. What I'll do the second day, I have no idea.

   If you're about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.

   Caution: When someone tells you to get a grip, apparently around their neck is not what they meant.. Who knew

   I wasn't whole until we met. Only now am I a complete idiot.

   Our kids will never know the terror of calling their crush on a landline and having their parents answer the phone.

   People act all surprised that there's a bacon shortage, as if they have never seen a single episode of Honey Boo Boo.

   Everyone at this Walgreens is acting like I'm the only person to ever scream out their safe word while getting a flu shot.

   It makes me sad to think there are people in this world who have a favorite Kardashian.

   If they made Siri a man's voice I'd trust the directions more.