StonerDudee Funny Status Messages

   Kanye West must feel very conflicted right now. He's excited Kim is pregnant, but deep down he knows Beyonce had the best baby of all time.

   Meant to tell my kids "Good night, I love you", but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school on Wednesday because this is bulls**t."

   My car broke down outside Dominos last night. So I ordered a pizza to be delivered to my house and got a lift off the driver.

   My dream is to wake up to 2 girls. One will say "good morning sweetheart" and the other will say "good morning dad"

   I bet the person who invented lunges was really just some dude adjusting his sack.

   1920: "May I have this dance?" 1950: "Want to go to the drive-in?" 1980: "What's your sign?" 2012: "Here's a picture of my pe**s."

   When I get a headache,I take 2 aspirins and keep away from children,just like the bottle says LOL!

   You know you're getting old when cops make you feel safe instead of nervous.

   When they hand me my napkins at the drive thru, I reach for them, while pretending to masturbate, and shout "Hurry, hurry, hurry!"

   Sometimes my attention span is shorter than a gold fish crackers are delicious.

   "Excuse me," I said to the woman sat in front of me on the bus, "You have some semen on the back of your jacket." "I'm sure it's not semen," she said, "It's probably yogurt." "It's definitely semen," I said, "I don't ejaculate yogurt."

   Every time Nicki Minaj tells someone their voice isn't good enough on Idol, someone is crushed to death by the weight of the irony.

   I feel sorry for people who don't have dogs. I hear they have to pick up food they drop on the floor.

   I bet Rihanna will be on the cover of Chris Brown's greatest hits CD.

   I think my Nintendo Wii character is depressed from my lack of playing. When I logged on he had a full beard and had a Nickelback shirt on.

   I think someone may be sending me death threats. Woke up this morning with a Tesco burger on my pillow.

   Apparently "I'm outta here, play on playa" is not the proper way to tell your boss you're leaving early.

   I got thrown out of a children's fancy dress party because all I was wearing was a red T-shirt. Some people have obviously never heard of Winnie the Pooh.

   Our neighbor's dog shat in our garden, so my mom told me to get a shovel and throw it over the fence. I don't see what that solved, now we've got dog sh*t in our garden and the neighbors have our shovel.

   There's a reason why "sober" and "so bored" sound almost exactly the same