Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Irony is people complaining about Facebook's privacy settings when every other update is about their weekly visit to their gynecologist.

   When meeting your girlfriend's parents for the first time it's hard not to think to yourself... "I've licked your daughter's nipples."

   Dad, this Father's Day, allow me to point out that none of my messes cost 20 billion dollars to clean up.

   The first few people to join Facebook must have felt like pretty big losers.

   I'm thinking that the only good mornings are the ones that start in the afternoon.

   Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

   I try to be tolerant but then other people go and mess it up.

   Nothing improves creativity more than a lack of supervision.

   A North Carolina waitress was fired for complaining on Facebook about a small tip she received. A lesson to all servers who like to post online complaints: write them where they'll never be seen — on MySpace.

   Sometimes I try to masturbate long words into my jokes, even if I don't know what they mean.

   After all the years of using condoms, it was only today I realized what the little bit on the end is really for... It's to put your foot on, to get the tight ba$tard off! Or maybe that's just me?

   When people start a sentence with "Do you know what your problem is..." I interrupt and start telling them all my problems. They never expect that.

   Quitting Facebook is the new, adult version of running away from home. We all know you're doing it for attention and we all know that you'll be back.

   I would like the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a bottle of Jack Daniels as a backup plan.

   I wonder why it is, that young men are always cautioned against bad girls. Anyone can handle a bad girl. It's the good girls men should be warned against.

   I'm not perfect, but I'm better than your ex and gonna be better than your next.

   Speed bumps should be called slow-down bumps. (I tells it like I see it.)

   Most of us can keep a secret. It's the people we tell it to who can't.

   I really hate people who breathe too hard... I can hear you breathing and that is a problem.

   Worrying is like a rocking chair. It keeps you busy, but gets you nowhere.