Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   If the TV show "Cops" has taught me anything, it's to stay away from people with blurry faces....... they always seem to attract trouble.......

   The world would be a much better place if everyone just did what I told them to do and stopped asking so many stupid questions.

   "Jacuzzi" - a Swedish word that loosely translates to "sweating underwater".......

   Why is it that on Sunday when I say ”I can't, I have to be good at work tomorrow” I do anyway and I'm never good at work tomorrow?

   The only thing worse than reading your status is having to look at your stupid ass profile picture next to it.

   Always have faith and believe in yourself........well... because... the rest of us think you're an idiot!!!

   For the last time people....... I'm not fat! I am just so full of sexy that it over flows... There is a difference!

   I'm going to take my new laptop back to the shop today. I've just noticed that the I, O, X and H keys are upside down.

   Roach joints. Because yeah... I recycle! :)

   A survey found 95% of men don't know how to turn a dishwasher on. Personally I find licking her nipples and a light fingering does the trick.

   I wonder how many times that fat kid on Adam's Family locked himself in the bathroom with a playboy and that freaky hand thing?!?!

   Why is it called "raw sewage?" Does that mean that someone, somewhere, is cooking the sh!t?

   If you think I wrote this status update in the nude, you're wrong. I'm wearing a sombrero and a candy necklace.

   I went to see my boss today and said, "I think we have a communication problem." He replied, "You can say that again, I fired you two weeks ago."

   I feel like a MILF because Man I Love Facebook.

   The key to successful relationships is not to start any.

   The only reason why I wouldn't care if I ever actually laughed my ass off is that I rarely give a sh*t.

   Dear girl running for her life, I was only running after you with the knife trying to protect you from whatever you were running from... call me

   I wonder when they will put the middle class on the endangered species list.

   Cashier: "Did you find everything you were looking for?" Me: "Nope - still single." Both of us: "Hahahaha!"