Marshall The Great Funny Status Messages

   Pissing me off is like kissing a Rattle Snake... it's just not a good idea.

   When you are on a first date and she says to you: "I want you to treat me like a movie star," it is vitally important to establish which type of movie.

   This guy told me that he can see the future but he didn't even try to duck when I punched him in the face.

   I wasn't sure why the doctor prescribed LSD for my constipation, until I saw a dragon and sh*t myself.

   You hate yourself? Cool, I guess we do have something in common....... I hate you too. Let's date.

   "I wasn't that drunk!" Dude, you told my mom you're no weather man, but she can expect a couple inches tonight.

   Went deep-sea fishing with my neighbor yesterday. He was tough to get on the hook, but you should see the shark I caught!

   My contact lenses have just fell out and fell down the toilet.. Now I can't see sh!t.

   I am sick but I must say that I am extremely sexy with my hair all mushed up and my body glistening with Vicks rub...

   Don't ask my opinion right now.. I am completely honest when I'm sick..

   The fairies say I drank too much cough syrup but I don't believe in fairies so...... Wait

   I don't understand why my friend and his wife won't talk to me anymore... They are vegetarians so I think it's well within my right to call their kids "Children of the Corn."

   I tried to stop a jukebox like the Fonz. In a related note I'm the proud owner of 15 new stitches, just in case you were wondering how cool I was.

   Tip: Instead of doing that thing where you obviously crop your ex out of the photo, you could actually just take a new picture.

   If I ask my mom to take a picture for me with my phone there is a 99% chance it will be a video of me yelling "IT'S THE BUTTON ON FRONT!"

   100% of the people that talk sh!t about your life, have sh!ttier lives than you.

   Sometimes I want to punch words right back into people's mouths.

   Last night I went out drinking with some high school friends. About 2 hours into it they were like... "Dude, shouldn't you be hanging out with people your own age?"

   It;s amazing how many people respond to "Hey Dumbass!"

   You know you are in a bad part of town when you fear being robbed by the convenience store clerk...