Funny Status Messages

   I really want to punch "The Situation" in his vagina

   Facebook needs to add a maybe button for friend requests, some people deserve to wait for a decision to be made.

   Don't make the same typo I did in a text to my girlfriend: "Having a great time wish you were her."

   There are places in the heart you can only find when the right person comes along.

   Kinda feels weird when your computer asks if you'd like to continue unprotected....

   Once you lick frosting off a cupcake it becomes a muffin

   I wonder if butterflies get humans in their stomach when they're anxious?

   (Glass breaks) Woman: I think someones breaking in! Man: I'll take care of this! (grabs a toilet brush) Woman: A toilet brush? What are you going to do scrub him to death? Man: Would you want to be touched with this?

   At least clean up the bathroom before taking your profile picture.

   Please read! URGENT! FACEBOOK VIRUS ALERT. An email recently went out to women asking them to post the color of their bra. THIS IS A VIRUS. To fix it, you must remove your bra, then go to Settings>Enable Webcam> Record Movie> Send to me ;) lol

   I wish that some people wouldn't talk to me in the morning until I've had my coffee. (I don't drink coffee).

   Just gave a squirrel some of his nuts

   SWEET ! Bieber got lit up by C.I.S. , damn its only TV though...

   WTF?!? some homeless guy just dropped a stink pickle on the sidewalk in broad daylight, in the center of downtown.... Wow... Gotta love portland

   I'm so hungry I even ate all the yellow Starbursts

   Roaches must be so pissed that they aren't ruling the world yet.

   What did things taste like before there were chickens?

   We're responsible for most of what happens to us, the rest is probably Voodoo.

   Was just thinking .... What would the world be like if McDonalds delivered?

   I really don't feel like "occasionally" stirring this