Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   statistics show that 97 % of dead people will stop posting statuses.

   Was the little pig who built his house out of straw some sort of f*cking idiot?

   Ben Franklin started the first Colonial printing press using hemp paper, I'm not saying he smoked it, a lot of sober guys fly kites in a thunderstorm.

   I want a car that runs on the tears I shed at the gas pump.

   Facebook now has 901 million users and I'm pretty sure all of them have invited me to play FarmVille.

   I'm a problem that you'd be glad to have.

   Most stoners seem like they're not too bright. But ask them about weed and they turn into a walking Wikipedia.

   A realtor called asking if I'm interested in selling my house. I'm interested in my neighbour selling his so I booked him an appointment.

   Good things come to those who wait... but great things come to those who don't just sit around waiting for sh!t to happen.

   Even if women came with directions, you still wouldn't read them.

   Keep me in mind. Somewhere down the road you might get lonely.

   Just watched a woman in front of me walk face first into a telephone pole because she was too busy looking at her phone. I could've given her a heads up, but then I wouldn't have been able to watch her walk face first into the telephone pole.

   Inspirational status of the day: Don't be a douche.

   One of the greatest things about owning a dog is how happy they are to see you even though you just stepped out of the house for 30 seconds.

   I think they call it the LIFETIME network because when you are forced to watch one of those stupid shows IT SURE SEEMS LIKE IT.

   Dear People Who Thought Ignoring Me Would Offend Me, HA HA HA HA HA!!!

   I wish relationship history was as easy to delete as browser history.

   Well, it's almost that time of year I find out who my real friends are when I start getting calls from friends I haven't heard from since last Summer. You know, since I have a swimming pool and all.

   I do my best Kool Aid Man wall busting impression when I arrive at a party and find out there's no booze.

   Every time I get really drunk I start acting like I'm British, and by that I mean I drive on the left side of the road.