Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Swimming can be confusing… some people do it for fun.. I do it not to die.

   These stale great value brand Doritos taste like middle class sadness.

   The Seven Dwarfs of Facebook: Drunky, Stoney, Skanky, B!tchy, Lonely, Creepy, Stalky

   Kids are supposed to be so tech savvy these days but my 9-month-old just wants to lick my iPhone.

   If you had a donkey and it ate a roosters feet and got sick, would you call the vet and say your ass doesn't feel good because there is two feet of c0ck in it?

   They should make car gas tanks more realistic, in the shape of asses.

   I've seen a lot of people discussing the Tupac hologram and debating if it's disrespectful to him. I personally think we're losing sight of what's really important here... we're one step closer to having holographic strippers in our living rooms!

   I took beano in honor of earth day and I'm not gonna dump my ash tray till tomorrow...

   My wife doesn't appreciate that I love her mother in law more than I love mine.

   I planted something on Earth Day... My ass in my recliner for the day!

   I understand that your heart is in the right place. Unfortunately, your head is up your ass, and I ain't goin in after it.

   If I ever swallow something potentially life-threatening and I need to induce vomiting, I hope you're around to make it easier.

   I have more money now than I did when I went out last night. Which means I exchanged goods and/or services while drunk. Not good.

   Steal a couple of sips from the soda fountain at McDonalds and everyone looks the other way but do it at the taps at Outback Steakhouse and all hell breaks loose... geesh!

   No thanks, 5 Hour Energy, I'd rather have a 5 Hour Nap.

   Anyone care to tell me 1) Why, when brushing my teeth, I raise my eyebrows AS FAR AS THEY WILL GO? And 2) How long has this been going on?

   I went to see a phsycic last weekend and she told me that I would be coming into money. Last night I f*cked a girl named Penny. Spooky or what.???

   Dudes: Women LOVE IT, when you're man enough to just walk away from an argument... Unless the argument is with THEM. Then... YOU'RE a PUSS!

   Boss just calls me into work for a quick favor & the first thing he asks me is "Are you sober?" I said "Define sober." He hangs up. I win...

   Watching the news right now and the news lady is going to a hot dog eating contest. She just said she is going to see how many wieners she can fit in her mouth at once. I spit coffee on my computer.