doc Noland Funny Status Messages

   I'm an organ donor, but I'm pretty sure all they're going to use is my liver for *after* photos.

   Those first few seconds where it could be Bowie or Vanilla Ice is my 'Nam.

   This country wasn't built on rock and roll, Ford trucks, or even good old hard work, this country was built on cheeseburgers.

   You know what's more disturbing than the tears of a clown? That would be the semen of a clown.

   'Tis the season to trick myself into thinking going this long without getting laid was actually my New Year's resolution...still single

   My dating profile: "Doc. 36. I hate long walks on the beach. I like alphaghetti and buttplay." Good, right?

   Just pushed out a fart that sounded like a toddler screaming into a kazoo

   A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, but none in the stink.

   I can only get sexually aroused if Ben Affleck is playing with animal crackers on my stomach.

   I'm not saying I'm out of shape, but following a brisk hike down the stairs to the fridge I just sweated out Vince Vaughn holding a bottle of bourbon.

   My dream job would have two desks — one for work and one for flipping over in blind rages.

   I eat p~55y with the same enthusiasm as Pooh Bear facef@(ks jars of honey.

   There should be a prenatal test to find out if you're gonna have one of those kids with tiny teeth and giant gums. I am just saying...

   Kourtney Kardashian's pregnant. Which is awesome, because I was just starting to think that there aren't NEARLY enough Kardashians

   I am in no way, shape or form mature enough to read the headline, "Prince William Saves Seamen."

   Lazy fact #254946156, You were too lazy to read that number

   Cleft chins are just face camel toes.

   Are you kidding me? I hope Madonna has a wardrobe malfunction during the Super Bowl halftime show. I know it sounds sick, but I'd like to see her dong.

   The only time I get name-dropped is in games of "Would You Rather".

   Why should I waste 5.99 on a bottle of stool softener when I can just do it by hand?