Mickey Funny Status Messages

   "Dating" is an anachronistic, nebulous means of defining a relationship. All it means is both parties are duping each other into some degree of permanency. Wait...that's marriage. I meant marriage.

   I thought Super Bowl LI was a Pho Soup special at a Vietnamese restaurant.

   Ladies, If a guy mutes the volume during the Super Bowl when you sit down next to him, you need to do one thing. Marry him.

   Polling showed 27% of the USA bet on Atlanta to win. Must've been conducted by CNN.

   White Americans killing off other Americans is a psychological issue, not an ideological one.

   For those of you who don't have a significant other to spend Valentine's Day with, kindly resist the temptation to brag about it.

   Throughout the 90's, during its infancy, the internet was referred to as the Information Superhighway. Little did we realize, that in such a short amount of time, it would become the Information Stupidhighway.

   Throughout the 90's, during its infancy, the internet was referred to as the Information Superhighway. Little did we realize, that in such a short amount of time, it would unfortunately become the Misinformation Stupidhighway.

   Life is a terminal disease, that is sexually transmitted.

   I tried killing a spider with a can of cheap hairspray. Now it smokes two packs a day, joined a bowling league, wears blue eye shadow and calls itself Brenda.

   I'm telling you, Godzilla must have feet made of steel. I step on a Lego and can't walk for a month.

   If I've learned anything from social media, it's that we live on a planet that's disproportionately filled with inhabitants in possession of single digit IQ's.

   Wanna meet me at Taco Bell? The Day Without Illegal Migrants means we'll get plenty of sauce packets and napkins.

   The sign at the florist's said, "Say It With Flowers." I go in and ordered one rose. The guy asks me if I'm cheap. I go, "No, I'm a man of few words."

   I have as much interest in golf as I have in golf.

   Politicians are people who have too little an amount of morals and ethics to remain lawyers.

   COVID is going to be an excuse for horrible restaurant service for years to come.

   Now that summer's over, I'd like to suggest to the ladies (and guys from Canada) that next year, unless you have a rear end made of perfectly sculpted stone, don't wear a thong.

   Cruises: Like being on house arrest with midnight buffets.

   They should sell liver sandwiches at baseball games to complete the misery of the entire experience.