Jake Funny Status Messages

   Another woman cause me to leave my wife. It was her mother.

   Having one child makes you a parent. Having two a referee

   My wife is losing it, she told me she was seeing someone behind my back. But when I turn around there wasn't anyone there.

   When I was a kid I thought earwigs were bugs that came out of your ears. So you can imagine what I thought when I heard about co*kroaches

   They say crime doesn't pay. So does that mean my job is a crime?

   The evening news begins with good evening. Then they proceed to tell you why it not.

   Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. But smoking bacon will cure it.

   Patient: Doc, I feel miserable, worthless, unhappy, and I have no money. Doctor: I see...... How long have you been married?

   Sound advice: Never keep your hemroid cream on the same shelf as your toothpaste.

   I think the word alimony should be spelled aliMOANy

   Alimony should be spelled allmymoney

   If at frist you don't succeed........ Read the instructions

   I don't always know what my wife is saying....... She can talk 50% faster than I can listen

   When we were younger my wife got a dolphin tattoo on her butt...... It's now a whale

   When I phone the child abuse hotline a kid answered the phone and told me to piss off.

   How could he be the Lone Ranger if Tonto was always with him

   A woman's marriage proposal........ I'm pregnant

   A scarecrow is outstanding in his field.

   There should be a book "What to expect after marriage" for the bridegroom.

   My wife's nagging started right on cue. "Stand up straight..... Don't sluch..... Look at me when I'm talking to you." I don't know why I keep rewatching our wedding tape.