Flinnie Funny Status Messages

   I'm sorry I ran over your dog but in my defense I was texting! You're being awfully judgemental for a blind man

   4 out of 5 bubble baths result in Santa Claus beards.

   I have a reoccurring nightmare that I am startled by bank robbers who shout "EVERYBODY GET DOWN!" and I get shot in the face for dancing.

   I hope these "reduced guilt" brownies help me get over that hobo I murdered

   it possible for an Asian to take a picture without making a peace sign?

   I'm still waiting for my chance to shout "UNHAND me you fools!!" as security escorts me off the premises.

   Some people just need a high five. In the face. With a chair.

   I like dressing in a red polo shirt then going to Target & being rude to costumers

   I got first draft in my fantasy foosball team. Once again, my top pick: the plastic dude with the metal rod through his torso.

   Nasa found a planet that has two suns. The fact that it's named Kepler-16b instead of Tatooine is a travesty. I bet Lucas threatened to sue.

   It's completely pointless when someone says "don't forget to save room for cake." There's always room for cake. Always.

   Things to do in a public restroom... "Say peek a boo, I see you!" to the person in the next stall just to see what happens

   When I was a kid I wanted a pet giraffe & a working lightsaber, but then I found out about boobs

   If you ever find yourself drinking more than one shot, you are either celebrating your birthday or trying to forget you were born.

   I just got caught masterbating to a National Geographic magazine...i don't know who was more embarrassed, me or my dentist

   It isn't you, it's me. It's me wanting to be on top of people who aren't you.

   Boy, the way that guy whines about stuff is hot. Said no woman ever.

   It seems like it's too early in the week to give up, but it isn't.

   Sort of rude to kiss your husband right in front of me when I've been looking at your boobs from behind a tree for 20 min.

   Workin' hard or hardly saying anything original?