Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   Used the men's room at Taco Bell earlier and I'm pretty sure the guy in the stall was giving birth to a Buick.

   I hate it when I hold back on saying something during a conversation because I know it will offend people, and then I see the look on everyone's face and realize I've already said it.

   Darth Vader had a hell of a case of emphysema.

   My favorite post of yours is........ the one I hitch you to at night.

   I just scrolled so far back on Facebook's Timeline... I wound up back over on MySpace. :(

   I was reading the ten commandments and got to "thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife" and I remembered where I left my wallet.

   How funny is it when you're telling somebody a made-up story and someone says "Oh yeah I heard about that?"

   My mom always said to make sure I had clean underwear in case I was in a car accident and that's why I keep that thong in the glove box, honey.

   I just discovered I have a super power! I can be invisible... Oh no no wait, I'm just being ignored.

   I bought a Dale Earnhart GPS on eBay but it just keeps telling me to turn left. I swear it is starting to drive me up the walls.

   I sleep fully clothed for a week after a woman tells me... "Everything's going to be OK."

   My neighbor and I saw a shooting star last night... so we each made wish. Sadly his house burned down, but my wish come true! :)

   My friend said she thought it was so cute how me and my girlfriend always hold hands. I didn't have the heart to tell her that it's because if I let go she goes shopping.

   I went to the blockbuster store... and saw a caveman sitting in the corner trying to make fire by rubbing two VHS tapes together.

   If I am arguing with someone and they say "READ MY LIPS" I slap them in the mouth and tell them my vision is bad so I need large print.

   I'm sick and tired of the games requests on Facebook. If it doesn't stop Imma be forced to play Facebook's Version of "My foot in ya ass."

   Some rude idiot just interrupted my afternoon nap by honking his horn just because the light turned green.

   Haters can only hate the things they can't have and the people they can't be.

   Girlfriends are like The History Channel. They always bring up old sh!t.

   F*ck what you heard, f*ck the b!tch you heard it from, f*ck what you think, and f*ck what you saw, and recognize what the f*ck you see.