Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   Today I discovered that two wrongs definitely don't make a right. Tomorrow I'm going to try three.

   Son of a B*tch! Every time some one likes my status my computer freezes up. I am trying to read my newsfeed so knock it off already.

   If there is one thing that women have taught me... Is that it is OK to eat dessert before the main course! ;)

   I was just fired from my job as an ad executive for Nike. Apparently putting the 'Just do it' label on the crotch is considered "offensive and inappropriate."

   Hearing that Jesus loves you is very nice... Unless you're in a Mexican prison.

   You can tell how much you like someone by how strong the urge to check your phone is when you're with them.

   I think people who challenge me at WORDS WITH FRIENDS are most impressed with my vast knowledge of three letter words.

   Fear of Friday the 13th is called paraskavedekatriaphobia. Heck I'm just afraid of that word.

   Please don't walk a mile in my shoes. Your feet probably smell and I don't want smell in my shoes.

   Anything with Friday in it can't be all bad. Now Monday the 13th, that's another story.

   My girl jus told me that she is going to start "act like a woman and think like a man" so I guess that means when she is in the kitchen making a sandwich she is going to be thinking about sex!

   I heard in some places they bannned cigarettes from gas stations. That's a shame, I always smoke after I get f*cked.

   I almost sh!t myself when my friend told me that the government has access to a database that tells them everything about you, and even where you are on a daily basis. He said: It's called Facebook or something.

   I got fired from the quality control department at the mirror factory. They all looked perfect to me.

   Reports say that credit ratings are soon to be abolished for private individuals. All you need these days is a valid receipt from a your local gas station!

   I got a job as a bounty hunter in China, I couldn't believe my luck!...Every time they put up a new wanted poster, the guy they were looking for was standing right next to me!

   I hate when people are trying to talk to me when I'm in the middle of doing something really important... like being awesome.

   My wife is going to get a big surprise when she tries to sleep in tomorrow.... I superglued a thumbtack to the snooze button.

   OMFG!! The Titanic sank!! The Titanic sank!!! - My status from 100 years ago today.

   I didn't call you fat; I said wicker furniture normally doesn't scream like that.