Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   I really pity whoever is the last man on earth. Most women agree they want nothing to do with that guy.

   I spent the afternoon scanning Facebook profile pics and some of you really need to find Jesus.

   Does anyone know the name of that rap song where they talk about weed and b!tches?

   No thanx, bootleg cologne man. I'll pass. I prefer NOT to smell like Febreze mixed with old hotdog water.

   I went to this new Chinese restaurant today for lunch... it was off the hook, chain, collar and leash!

   It's impossible to give 110% -- so right off the bat you are lying to me.

   So let me get this straight....a giant bunny rises from the dead, commits a bunch of sins, then we eat a pig?

   I am in a prison for something I didn't do. I didn't run fast enough.

   Saw these ducks in the park today looking at their reflection in the water practicing their teenage slut face.

   If people came with warning labels they wouldn't be too much different than drug labels: May cause drowsiness, persistent headaches, may reduce the urge to live..... If symptoms persist apply the nearest foot to their ass.

   My ole lady needs a TEMPER-pedic mattress cause she keeps waking up on the wrong side of the bed. :/

   I'm almost finished producing my "Tickle Me Emo" doll. When you tickle it... it says "My life sucks," "I need more black hair dye" and..... these pants aren't tight enough. I just need to stop it from cutting the box it comes in, before it's sold.

   Boil an egg and put in on a plate in front of a kid and they will gag... Color it blue and put stripes on it and hide it in the sand box and they will fist fight over it..

   Whenever somebody ask me what's my favorite movie or song, that's exactly the moment when I forget every f*cking movie or song I've ever come across in my whole life!

   I'm tired of boiled eggs so I'm hiding scrambled eggs this year.

   I think I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. My liver might have just started waving the white flag.

   When I die, I'd like someone to keep updating my Facebook status just to freak people out... "Wow, who knew they had wi-fi up there?"

   I've decided I'm not going to focus on my past anymore. So, if I owe you money, I'm sorry.

   We have the laziest Easter Bunny here....He didn't bother cooking or coloring the eggs and he hid them all in my fridge.

   When I pump gas now I do it with my eyes closed cause I'm praying that $35 worth will get me through the week...