Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   If ANY OF YOU were to invite me to come over and hang out inside of your pillow fort all day, I would be there - with booze.

   Come on down! You're the next contestant on STFU!

   Suggestion for Mark Zuckerberg: When someone defriends me on Facebook, a picture of my bare ass pops up on their screen.

   Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.

   Decided to have an Easter egg hunt this year. The golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. Who said we were too old for Easter?!?

   Irony = Someone posting a status about how broke they are and at the bottom of their post it says: 8 minutes ago via iPad2

   I listen to the first 30 seconds of an accidental butt dial like I'm in an FBI van.

   I knew that the reality TV show Survivor was a sham the minute I noticed that the women still had smooth legs and arm pits after day 6.

   We have a lot of children living on our street, so I try to caution speeders by bouncing an old tricycle off their windshield.

   Look you asked me to be your child's Godfather so don't get pissed at me because I taught him how to break knees and collect debts.

   When my teenage son needs a lesson in humility I take him to the grocery store and make him go in and buy toilet paper, tampons, Preparation H, Vagisil and anti-diarrhea medication and make him pay for it with change.

   Now that I have the Facebook timline it looks like I didn't exist before 2009, when, in fact, that's when I stopped existing!

   My friends think I never listen to their opinions... like I give a sh*t what they think.

   This morning's poke war just serves to reaffirm my belief that I am too pretty for prison.

   I am taking a shot for every "like" I get on this status. Then again, I'm taking shots whether you bastards like it or not.

   Just seen a April Fools jokes saying, "Justin Bieber found dead in a hotel room." You should never joke about death of a little girl.

   My girlfriend wanted us to go out and have a romantic evening instead of me staying home and watching Wrestlemania....... She's getting good at this April fools thing.

   April Fools' Day is like a huge open mic night in which millions of people go out of their way to demonstrate how unfunny they are.

   A jealous girlfriend is a faithful girlfriend. If she doesnt get jealous when someone has your attention, it's because someone has hers.

   Don't be stupid, if their ex is still calling its because they're still getting an answer.