Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   If I have ever hurt you, angered you or offended you in any way... then Mission Fuccomplished, ain't it?

   I woke up this morning and tried to look at the bright side, but it is too bright, I need my sunglasses.

   I need a spring loaded bed so if I don't want to get up, it will just throw me out of it.

   I used to be a man trapped in a woman's body... Then I was born and that ended that fiasco.

   When women ask for your opinion what they really want to hear is their opinion, but in a deeper voice.

   I just told my child that PMS stands for 'Prepare to Meet Satan.'

   If you want to see the real Hunger Games go to Ethiopia and put a steak at the end of an obstacle course.

   I am so sick and tired of your sh!t. You are lucky I am not banging your wife and making you watch... just practicing what I will say to my boss if I win the lottery tonight.

   If you post drama filled status updates about “cleaning out your friend's list” ...you can start with me.

   I don't believe women belong in the kitchen... because men are better at that too.

   Hey guys, I really need your help. I'm trying to patch things up with my ex-girlfriend so I'm thinking of writing her a poem. What rhymes with, "I still hate you, you f*cking b!tch!" ??

   Guess it's time to get to the part of the day I hate... the part which requires pants.

   I was walking down a street today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought.. "Well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel?" And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson!

   My co-worker seems to think I need anger management classes... I don't know I think he just needs shut the f*ck up classes.

   You know I can think of two... no, three things that really irritate the f*ck out of me... make that four... ok five.... f*ck it... there's like 10 now!

   If the shoe fits, shove it further up their ass.

   The liquor store. The dollar store. The court house. Top three places where you hope no one notices you.

   I get made fun of sometimes for being an ole dumb country boy but let me ask you something, when the economy finally falls what's gonna be more important to know? How to plant a garden, fish and hunt or knowing what then fancy opera singers is ah sayin?

   I was hanging around after one of the local field meets last night when I decided to try my hand at pole vaulting. Let me tell ya, if you're ever looking for a guy to make two small poles out of one big one, I'm your man.

   Hey, Facebook ticker, I don't need to know which Yahoo articles my friends have read. What's next, a detailed report of what everyone Googles in real time? No thank you!