Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   I'm laying on my yoga mat making up fake poses to fit my current activity level. Right now I'm in "downward facing chalk outline."

   3.67 billion Women in the world and I just had to make my own sandwich! :((

   After a night of heavy drinkin' there's one thing I can't stand... and that's up.

   You look familiar to me. Are you the person that my parents warned me about? If so... do you wanna get a room?

   #1 thing to do today: Run into a store and ask what year it is. When someone answers, yell "It worked!!!" and run out cheering.

   I am going shopping today. Well, I don't wanna go but this girl I'm stalking is on her way there so I have no choice.

   You're welcome. Not sure what for yet, but I'm bound to say something awesome that'll make your day sooner or later.

   This morning when I awoke I rolled over, smiled at the beauty that was there beside me , gazed into those beautiful brown eyes and said, "Good Morning Sexy." I knew it was a good idea to install that mirror by the bed.

   I'm having an identity crisis... I can't afford to be me... Can I be you? You're cheaper.

   I'm at the bank depositing my nickel and dime bags... I told them I'll be back later with my papers... to open a joint account. :)

   After finally finding a calculator and doing the math I will be able to pay off my debts at the age of 127...

   Eskimos have 49 words in their language to describe snow because they have so much of it. In the English language there are over 50 words to describe a moron.

   I liked you better before we met.

   My mother always told me to never quit something I'm good at. So here is to her for making me realize that i'm good at being drunk!

   After reading your recent updates, I'm surprised that Facebook hasn't yet asked you, "Whatever's on your mind, could you keep it to yourself?"

   I just tenderized the pork... now to put my pants back on and go start dinner.

   If you have a problem with me please write it nicely on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope, fold it and shove it up your ass.

   A scientific study says that we should sleep 9 hours a day... but personally I think we should sleep for 9 hours in a night too.

   Women who brag about multi-tasking should chill out. There is nothing cool about doing 3 things wrong at once!

   Ladies, Summer's Eve just announced a new douche infused with THC, anti-perspirant, and KFC... It leaves you fresh, high, dry, and finger lickin' good!