Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   I understand that good things come to those who wait. Might I ask just how long the line is?

   I'm peeved that the bank owns a good chunk of this house but hasn't once taken out the trash. Worst roommate ever.

   Two wrongs don't make a right, but they have the potential to become a pretty interesting Facebook status update.

   If you're friending me on Facebook ONLY because you want a nail or you have a lost cow in Farmville, the joke's on you! I play Mafia Wars!

   I'm going to write that down in my "Things I don't give a crap about" notebook.

   I probably wouldn't kill so many houseplants if they could scream for food and water the way the pets and children do.

   What seperates the men from the boys is the price of their toys.

   The only time I ever nap is after hitting the snooze button. I took 32 naps this morning.

   Starting a sentence with “If you ask me” almost always indicates that no one asked you.

   It's wrong that so many people get their daily news from Jon Stewart. I get mine from Rod Stewart. Breaking news: I think I'm sexy.

   There are three ways to get something done: Do it yourself, hire someone to do it, or forbid your kids to do it.

   I'm not that impressed that hula dancers can tell a story with their hands. I can tell a story with one finger.

   It feels SO GOOD to get things accomplished... or at least I imagine it does. Do something and tell me what it's like.

   Call me immature ONE more time, and you'll no longer be invited to help me build a kick-butt couch cushion fort.

   Iif time travel were possible, my future self would have shown up to slap some sense into me by now.

   I think experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

   I just wrote a note to my utilities company: Dear Utilities, Life is full of surprises. This month we won't be paying our bill. SURPRISE!

   I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

   Since Facebook came into my life I have completely neglected MySpace. This must be what parents feel like when they have a second child.

   "This isn't what it looks like" almost ALWAYS means "This is exactly what it looks like." Just sayin'...