Kisstopher Funny Status Messages

   The less power a man has, the more he likes to use it. That's why bouncers are d!cks.

   We all suffer from a stroke at some point in our lives. Whether it be a stroke of bad luck, a blood clot, or a dry handjob.

   Crack the whip on yourself but be lenient with others. Unless they're into that sort of thing.

   Fellas: Don't build a new ship out of old wood. Upgrading your woman with plastic surgery doesn't change the fact that her genes are ugly.

   We all have problems; mine are just more important than yours.

   People disregard you when they don't want you, but they are quick to acknowledge you when they need your help.

   Sometimes I look at what someone is wearing and I can't help but think, "did you give up on life?"

   It is amazing how much effort I put into my laziness.

   I always bring some wire cutters to parties, just in case someone else brings a guitar.

   Right now you make about as much sense as an Alzheimer's patient applying for a job as a history teacher.

   Nothing screams, 'Pedophile' like having curtains on your van windows.

   Facebook seriously needs to start asking some people, “Are you SURE you want to post that stupidity?" before it allows them to update their status.

   Always be true to yourself. But feel free to lie to everyone else as needed.

   I think a tampon makes a better vampire than the twilight guy.

   It would be impossible to throw Jesus a surprise birthday party.

   If you're not into casual sex, I can put on a bow tie and we'll call it formal sex.

   I'm too sexy for my ex.

   If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it's a Booty Call!

   I never drink coffee at work mainly because it keeps me awake and alert.

   I need new haters. The old ones are starting to like me.