GaryKoenig Funny Status Messages

   I just got a full tank of gas for $22. Granted it was for my lawn mower but I am trying to stay positive.

   All these galaxies and planets and we ended up on the one with 40 hour work weeks.

   If you ever meet a girl that admits she's wrong, apologizes, and changes her ways, dump her because she might be a man. Women don't do that.

   Shout-out to everyone lying in bed just scrolling on their phone.

   I can handle most things in life. But hearing someone chew their food is not one of them.

   I just realized why this month is called May. It may rain, it may snow, it may be 70 degrees or it may be 20 degrees.

   I went to the grocery store today and the cashier said my total was $208.47. I wanted a second opinion so I went to self checkout and my new total was $43.20.

   Here's how I define marriage: Marriage is finding that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

   I think it's only a matter of time until "Security Cameras of Walmart" is a hit reality show.

   Marriage tip: Your wife values honesty. So if your wife asks you if her best friend is prettier than her, just say yes. Your wife will value and appreciate your opinion, and she will love you more for it.

   My bank balance is a constant reminder that I'm safe from identity theft.

   I wish I had enough money to discover that it doesn't actually make me happy.

   At any given time, the urge to sing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away.

   I'll give credit where credit is due but I ain't gonna applaud a fish for swimming.

   It blows my mind that NASA is able to receive data from 4.67 billion miles away but I lose Wi-Fi signal in my kitchen.

   I need to watch it as I've started having road rage behind the wheel. But sometimes I get road rage walking behind people at the grocery store.

   Money can't buy you happiness. But somehow it's much more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than on a bicycle.

   I'm excited to announce that I have completed the first item on my bucket list. I have the bucket.

   My ex just texted me, "Wish you were here". She does that every time she walks through a cemetery.

   Arguing with me is pointless, I knew I was wrong 10 minutes ago. I'm just trying to make you mad now.