Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Why is it always the least attractive people who post pictures of themselves daily? No, I do not "heart" your duck face.

   I hate that heart attack moment when you miss a step on the stairs. It makes you cherrish life there for a moment.

   Some woman kicked me in the crotch today and now my head is killing me.

   I always keep a baseball bat under my bed, just in case someone breaks into the house and throws a ball at me.

   I've heard of Army, Navy, Air Force and Marine generals but, what in the Hell is the Surgeon general??? What does he do, order people to shoot somebody and then perform surgery? Talk about "job security" huh?

   I was mugged by 2 chinese guys. I told the police how they looked like and they narrowed it down to 53,000 suspects.

   I'm so out of your league, even your fantasy version of me ignores you.

   On a Sunday afternoon, if I dont wake up with a headache, well that just means I was outta liquor or cash...

   I'd rather die than commit suicide.

   Your face is just fine, but you'll have to put a bag over that personality.

   There's a very short list of things you can have in your hand while running without looking crazy.

   I gave a homeless lady $5. Friend said I shouldn't because the lady will only buy booze with it. I said So? That's what I'd buy too. You'd have to be pretty drunk to sleep on the concrete.

   You never realize what you have till its gone... Toilet paper is a good example.

   Guys that take Yoga classes need their man card taken away and shoved up their ass. Oh, nevermind... they'd probably just bend over and pick it out with their teeth.

   Talking to your ex about your past relationship with them is like logging back on to MySpace. Once you've logged in, you will instantly realize why you left in the first place.

   I was having a fantastic nap on the way to work this morning, until some inconsiderate ba$tard decided to bounce off my windshield.

   I started doing one of those 10,000 piece puzzles last night and it only took me an hour to flip the table over and start drinking hard liquor.

   I swallowed a quarter once on a bet. And you thought fumbling through your pockets for loose change at the checkout was a pain in the ass...

   The bearded lady, the guy with all the body piercings, the dude with 14 toes, the geek biting the chickens head off... Yep, I'm in WalMart.

   I'm so hungry that my stomach stopped growling. Now its just whimpering.