Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Girls on Facebook: "Getting Starbucks with Jenny!" 2 minutes later: 141 pictures and 6 videos uploaded.

   I really tend to have less tolerance of ugly people.

   This Planking epidemic is getting way out of hand my neighbor the old lady next door been laying outside for 2 days now.

   Ugly people should really stop trying to take seductive pictures of themselves, it's camera fudgin suicide.

   Statistically speaking, 9 out of 11 Americans will be offended by this message.

   if dogs could talk theyd prolly talk a lot about shoes

   The more Marilyn Monroe quotes a girls Facebook has, the more likely she'll suck your d!ck for validation.

   Whenever I see a grown man on a bicycle, I can't help but think DUI.

   All this learning to share crap when I was a child seems redundant when I'm supposed to have a monogamous relationship as an adult.

   No matter what's happening there's always part of me that would rather be taking a nap. And drinking.

   If there is one thing I learn from every mistake is I'll never get caught that way again.

   Only 64 more cartons and I get my FREE Marlboro casket!

   I had a bad day: I need a drink I had a good day: I deserve a drink Blah Blah something something: Let's have a drink

   Wanna show your wife who's boss? Get her a mirror.

   You can post about your love of god on facebook all you want, but *I* remember your love of going down on random guys at frat parties. Amen.

   These fuel prices are killing me, literally. While siphoning from my neighbors car I swallowed a pint of that sh!t. Gotta fix my technique.

   Thongs are the mullet of the underwear world: business in the front, party in the back.

   I ripped a 8 second fart and my girlfriend says "You're gross." I ran out of the room yelling "YOU DON'T SUPPORT ANYTHING I DO!"

   Cashier: "Would you like to help feed the hungry today?" Me: "That's why I'm shopping, moron."

   My best pick up line: Excuse me, but I think you dropped this two hundred dollars for sex.