mickey Funny Status Messages

   My donations to the food driver are bittersweet. I give, but it's canned sliced beets and Beefaroni.

   A Rabbi asked me why we Catholics believe in Purgatory when there's no actual mention of it in the Bible. I told him it's the food. They serve both Angel Hair Pasta AND Devil's Food Chocolate Cake.

   I ordered 2 pizzas from Dominoes. The order taker was not amused when I asked her for the Teenage Mutant Ninja Total.

   What's so bad about the Zika virus anyway? Some people like a little head.

   If you're not my friend, click like then copy and paste this on your timeline. If we're truly friends, do nothing. I'd never insult your intelligence with such a ridiculous command.

   A friend took Ambien to help her sleep. She had the side effect of doing things without realizing it. She ate an entire blueberry pie and didn't know it. Now I don't know about you, but if I eat an entire blueberry pie, I wanna know it.

   Anybody out there need some extra daylight? I've been saving a bunch of it since last Spring and I have way more than I need. I'm letting it go pretty cheap, so let me know if you're interested.

   Dear Rioters, This is not Toys R Us where you can throw a fit in the aisle until you get the toy you want. This is an ELECTION. Hillary LOST. Chanting Fu#k Trump and burning flags WILL NOT change that. You are only proving WHY t

   My girl has the crabs, I suggested fishnet stockings.

   So, have all you rocket scientists who were still shooting off fireworks at 4am get it out of your system till the 4th of July?

   The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

   Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time.

   Who is the genius that decided Little League uniforms be white? My guess is Tide laundry detergent.

   The point in making a point is to actually make a point,

   My wife said, "You're driving me to my grave!" I had the car out in two minutes.

   I heard someone say they wouldn't wish Dementia/Alzheimers on their WORST ENEMY. I would. They'd forget about killing me.

   Purina hung up on me. I suggested mouse flavored cat food.

   Someone I know just had a great great grandchild. That kid comes from a long line of fucl<ers.

   Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

   I'm the proud grandfather of a new baby boy. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.