jake Funny Status Messages

   My brother has stop talking to his wife after she refused to join the mile high club with him. If I know her she doesn't give a flying fu*k.

   Embarrassment: Is when your 6 year old corrects your spelling when you're spelling out a cuss word.

   Breast reduction is just another way a woman has to get something off her chest.

   How many people with ADHD does it take to change...... ooh butterfly

   My wife is so bad at housekeeping, that our dog buries his bones in our carpet.

   My love life is terrible. The last woman I was inside of was the statue of liberty.

   After 10 years of marriage my wife finally made me happy in the bedroom. She put in a 42'' tv a min fridge full of beer and she sleeps in the spare bedroom.

   My wife could not deside who to marry me or another guy who proposed to her. So she tossed a coin. I lost.

   With all the white house leaks, they should lay in a supply of depends.

   With all the misspelled words trump has tweeted. I hope he never tweets "Preparing to launch." In stead of "lunch"

   Since Easter sunday is also April fool's day as a April fool's prank. Besides dyeing raw eggs (That I mention in an earlies status) I also willbe substituting the candy choclate balls with chocolate covered brussel sprouts.

   A university's study of the human brain said the only difference between a wowan's brain and a man's brain is that the woman's brain is located in their head.

   When I first met my wife she had a little heart tattoo between her breasts. Now it's her belly button.

   Switching off my mother inlaw's life support machine was very difficult. I had to fight off a doctor, a nurse and two security guards. Beeeeeeeep

   If your butt cheeks were horizonal you would applaud every time you ran up the stairs.

   If you're going to open a strip club. Don't name it the G spot. Because men will never be able to find it.

   Men at 20 play football, at 40 tennis, at 60 golf. Notice as they get older their balls get smaller.

   I don't mind that my wife goes out to play bingo every night. It's the coming back home part that bothers me.

   Single men: To keep on enjoying your carefree life, never utter the words "I DO"

   A friend ask me why I haven't married yet. I said if I didn't have to live with my wife I would get married.