hihuggiehi Funny Status Messages

   If you've never put fake blood capsules in your mouth before going to the dentist you are too mature to be my friend.

   I appreciate the transparency that the Domino's pizza tracker provides, but updates like "Carl dropped your pizza" and "5 second rule" are a bit much

   Every time I say stop, an epic battle takes place in my head where I decide whether to follow it with "in the name of love" or "hammertime."

   Say no to drugs. But if the drugs you took are talking to you, then please share them with me.

   I need an app that just screams "Put the phone down and go do something, idiot!" whenever I pick my phone up.

   If you were getting sexts from someone you're not interested in, does that mean you got molexted? Or is it textual harassment??

   I've learned sooo much from my mistakes.. I'm thinking of making some more

   Dear Facebook friend that posts inspirational quotes, your inspirational quotes have inspired me to unfriend you

   Dog's Facebook status: Tried to save the master from the vacuum cleaner today… He just yelled at me.

   My bucket list is just a list of things I want to eat a bucket of....

   It's so hot I witnessed my dog catch fire while "draggin' ass" on my dead lawn.

   Some peoples glasses are half full, some are half empty but mine is cracked and leaking valuable water

   If people were meant to pop out of bed first thing in the morning, we'd all sleep in toasters.

   Its funny how head and shoulders becomes head, shoulders, knees and toes, when I run out of body wash.

   "The guy at the first window called you a little b!tch." - Me at the second window at the Burger King Drive-Thru.

   I've found that the things I'm most interested in aren't really in my best interest.

   No officer, I didn't see you in my rear view; my eyes haven't left my phone for at least the past 5 miles.

   My bank card has this awesome theft protection where it just says "declined" whenever you use it.

   Just got caught stealing a book, I explained that I'm dyslexic & thought it was the 'help self' section.

   I have discovered that when you give people advice through the medium of interpretive dance, they quickly regret asking you for it, and go away.